Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Making Waves

I thought she died!  I was taking a nice hot shower just a bit ago, after giving myself my DIY home highlights (caramel kisses).  I was in the middle of lather, rinse, repeat when it hit me...I hadn't heard from the girl all day.  Oh no, crud...come to think of it, I think last I heard from her was day before yesterday!  I didn't feel her die, I assured myself. Wouldn't I have had some kind of sharp pain or fainted or something?  I stand there wondering for a minute, hot water rinsing out the bluish purple dye I just hand painted exactly 30 minutes earlier.Then I remembered, sweet girl didn't die.  This is exactly what happens every time I hear from her in a LOUD and clear way.  She jolts me out of my usual mode of dazed and confused, gets me all worked up and dramatic, and then fades back into the back of my mind.

Hmmm, what can I do differently this time?  I mean, how can I keep her towards the front and not in the shadows.  Her message is important.  It deserves more of a stage then the dusty ol' back corner. It's like anything, ya know? As time goes on it all gets less intense.  But I want to keep the flame alive.  I know that means doing things for me.  Things that excite me.  Things that I enjoy. Things that make that girl inside do cartwheels. And instantly, as wonderful and dreamy as that all sounds...WHAM.. the former Catholic/mom/wife guilt hit.  "I'm already gone so much.  Will he be upset if I tell him I want to try a Yoga class once a week when the evenings are usually my thing with the kids?  Will they whine and make me feel bad when I leave for an hour, telling me they miss me and why do I have to go?  Will they think I don't care about them as much as I care about myself? Do I really neeeeeed to leave to enjoy some time, can't I find some peace at home?"

The struggle continues.  Don't get me wrong, everything in life isn't a struggle. And yes, a lot of us are blessed beyond belief with beautiful families, and homes, and health. Most of us were able to make our families a meal consisting of all of the food groups tonight. Most of us will enjoy a warm bed, a story and snuggles at bedtime tonight. But the struggle still feels real. And it's mostly the way we struggle against ourselves. We are so damn complicated aren't we?  Broken people living in a broken world. We put so much pressure on ourselves.  We expect so damn much from ourselves. We run ourselves to the ground trying to do it all, not wanting to put anyone else out, not wanting to cause any waves.

Guess what?  It's time to make waves!! Waves of change. Fabulous, exciting, healing, joyful, INSPIRING change.

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