Sunday, May 3, 2015

Where Did She Go?

Have you ever felt it? That gnawing feeling in your soul. That sudden and urgent feeling that there is a part of you that is dying. "Where is this coming from?" you ask yourself frantically. "What have I done wrong to bring this about?" "Is this really spirit trying to reach out to me...or am I finally loosing my shit?" I feel it, and have felt it several times over the past ten years, but this time, it's back with a mission, a vengeance. It's been ignored and stifled too many times. It's been locked away to be dealt with at some later date, when it's more convenient, when the kids are bigger, when I have time to think about things and feel things big and deep again.

That's what happens ya know? You find a man and get married and become "his wife". Then your dreams come true and you have a baby, or two, and you become "the mom". You might work outside of the home, you're "the employee". You are the room mom, the personal shopper, the taxi driver, the coach, the nurse, the housekeeper, the lover. In the midst of it all sometimes, you hear her. A little voice whispering to you..."Hey, silly, passionate, strong, fun girl...where are you? I've been looking for you girl...hello?? Are you there?" You feel that gnawing feeling again, you get restless. You do something to try to appease some new shoes, redo a room in the house, get your hair done. Something small and insignificant to try to fight of the feeling that something is missing. To put it off a little longer, so you can keep doing all the things you need to do and be all the things you need to be. You have shit to get done and not enough time in the day for this nonsense. 

We loose ourselves don't we? In all that we need to be, or think we need to be. We forget there is a fire inside for anything other than our spouse and our kids. There are needs and desires of the soul that can't be suffocated. There are parts of all of us that want to breath. They want to burn bright and fill us with passion and wonder and excitement. They are alive, barely, but they are. Holding on tight, begging us to notice them, to not let them die. Like a hand reaching, stretching out with all of it's might from deep grey quicksand..a girl below, trying to breath, to reach, to live.

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