Some days I feel like rock star mom of the year. Nice Mom. Patient, supportive, calm in my discipline, or shall we say, redirection. I encourage their creativity and love of nature. I help to bring to light their strengths and remind them that every one of us has our weaknesses, no one is perfect. I feed them organic snacks and limit their sugar intake. We stay busy, in a healthy, not overly rushed way of course, and we even remember to say our prayers. Sigh, isn't it magical? It can happen ya know? Once in a blue moon, when all the stars align and the winds blows just the right way. And it usually lasts about....oh...a couple of hours tops.
Yesterday, Mean Mom. I caught myself telling, okay shouting, at my oldest little dude to "shut his mouth now - just shut up!" The little and big had been arguing off and on all day, par for the course. It was now bed time, and it was late. I was DONE. And it's summer so sleeping arrangements are all a skew. They are sleeping together in little's room, instead of in their separate quarters. And because of my stupendous rock star mom super parenting skills, I get the privilege of laying between the two of them until they are almost asleep. That way one can play with my hair until he doses and the other can lay horizontally across me, feet nearly touching his brother (God forbid!) Even almost asleep the two were digging at each other. Who's right, who's better, who's a big dumb head, who's a poop butt. The older little dude is often the one to instigate the littlest dude with his words, his tone, and his manipulation. Sets little off into a screaming, fists flying rage, then comes crying to me that his brother is being mean. The day had taken it's toll and before I could hold it back I said it..."SHUT YOUR MOUTH, just shut up! I don't want to hear you!" After I said it everyone quieted down. I slipped out to my bed, and of course felt guilty for lettin' it fly. The psychological damage must be huge! I am a big fat farce of a Mom. No patience, no consistency, just willy nilly, shootin' from the hip.There must be an In Between Mom somewhere in the middle of this shit right? Not over coddling, but not screaming like a banshee. Just right, like baby bear's porridge. That is where I strive to be. I don't want to be a perfect mom. I don't believe in perfect. But I would love to be consistent, and level headed, an example of self control and positive thinking. I would rather model the appropriate way for us to talk to one another instead of feeding the fire with yelling. I don't want to be a "do as I say not as I do" parent. This mom thing is a big ass job, with so many implications. It's also real life, with real people, real feelings and frustrations, disappointments and dreams. And so, today, as I write, I take a deep breath. Deep into my belly, deep into my soul, and forgive myself for not being the In Between Mom yet. I understand that I will flutter back and forth. I'll have great mom days, and crappy mom days. I'll do things wrong, say things I maybe shouldn't and loose my cool sometimes. I'll be an inspiration, a rock of support, cheerleader and their safe haven too.
I'll be the best me I can be, each day, knowing each day is a different day then yesterday, and tomorrow is a new one. I'll try to give myself and my kids grace. I'll drink my coffee in the morning and my wine before bed and keep putting one foot in front of the other. That can't turn out that bad right?!
xoxo
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