Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Weaknesses and Super Powers

I started to realize a few years back, that our weaknesses and struggles are all part of the bigger plan. How would we be able to build up others if we never had to build up ourselves? Of course, the things that we see as our weaknesses are no fun. The struggles we face can sometimes be so heavy. I think it's clear by now if you've been reading my posts, I truly believe we all have gifts to share. Sometimes, the thing we are meant to share is our struggle, and our pain, so our brothers and sisters can rest in the fact that they are not alone.

When I became pregnant with my first little dude, the prayers started immediately. "Please God, don't let this baby have to fight their own mind. Let this little soul grow into the person they are meant to be without having to face anxiety." Pleading with God on a daily basis to spare my baby from something I have carried my whole life. Some moms-to-be probably focus their prayers more on their little cherub's physical health. I wasn't so concerned about that. I was worried about my baby having to carry the same burden I, and several people in my family, carried...Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In my mind, that was the worse case scenario.

Of course, hindsight is somethin' else isn't it? There could be so many things worse than anxiety disorders. Things that are much harder to overcome. But at the time that is all I saw. My little dude was born healthy and sweet as could be. Looked just like his daddy then, looks a lot like me now. Fast forward 9 years later. I start noticing fear and anxiousness in my little man. My heart turns and squeezes inside of my chest and I feel like I am going to throw up each time. I know what it looks like, and even more, I know what it feels like. I don't want him to feel that! I try to believe that I am only "seeing" it because it is what I fear most. Until it becomes apparent even to his dad. Yep, passed on the good ol' frickin anxiety gene, just as I feared I would. DAMN IT! Damn it God, why did this have to be? Didn't you hear me all these years?



But just as quickly as that dread and grief came upon me, so did my strength. I will fight with him! I will be an example for him. I have done this for almost 40 years. I have been able to get passed most of what anxiety and OCD have to offer. Has it sucked at times? Hell yes! Have I wished all my life I never had to deal with it in the first place? No doubt. There have been times that it took up so much room in my brain, I barely had room for anything else. But I have learned how to make it smaller. It only occupies a little piece of me now. Not nearly as much as the strength I have because of the battle. Not nearly as much as the faith I have in myself. I didn't start working on myself and learning how to handle this until I was 20 years old, and really didn't get the appropriate guidance until about 5 years after that. He is 9. He will learn now. He will not have to fight so hard. He will obtain his tools now, and sharpen them as he grows.

I know in my heart and soul that we are all made the way we are for a reason. I truly believe it. I know that I was meant to be his Mommy for a reason. I know that these "weaknesses" can become our strengths in so many ways. The sensitivities can be hard when you don't look at it in the positive. The superb imagination can be a very scary thing, if you don't see it for the blessing it is. The sharp analytical mind can be tiring, if you don't realize all that it can accomplish for good.

I will remind him always that these are not weaknesses but super powers. He need not be afraid of it. He need only learn how to use his powers for good like Thor or Captain America. For the good of the whole world. He has something inside that will bless others. He is an extremely bright, creative, sensitive soul. He will change this world. I believe it and will help him to believe it too. We can't become who we are meant to be without a little work. A little work and a lot of faith.

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