Thursday, July 23, 2015

Knockin' on 40s Door

I'm knockin' on forty's door ya'll. Only 3 more months until the big 4-0. It's weird because I swear I was just 25. Right? Like, how did that happen so fast?! I've been feeling a shift within this year. An awakening. Like the girl inside was asleep for a while, kind of hibernating, and this year started to stir. She started stretching and wiggling around slowly. I felt her then, ever so slightly at first. Then...POW...she jumped up like a bat outta hell. More awake then she had been in years, if ever. Full of energy and fire. She's ready for 40! She's ready to kick some ass and take some names.

I don't always feel the same way. Some days, there isn't enough coffee in the world. Some days, I wake up tired, with a sore neck because I slept on my belly, and now that I'm old, I can't sleep on my belly without hurting my neck. Some days I look in the mirror and notice, all too easily, the shiny grey hairs popping out through the brown and the major luggage under my eyes. "Is it just the terrible lighting in this bathroom, or is that really ME?" My muscle tone is softer and it takes a lot more work to keep my muffin top from exploding over my jeans. I noticed the saggy skin around my knees the other day while I was jogging. It reminded me of my Nana. I can't enjoy ice cream like I used to because now my old lady stomach can't tolerate it well, but I crave chocolate on a very regular basis. I have crazy grandma hairs on my chin that I have to pluck out on a regular basis and the pimples that I spent too many years and too much money battling have reappeared. Apparently, these things are all part of "getting older" for us ladies. Lovely.

But even as I write this, I can hear the girl inside laughing at me and see her rolling her eyes. She thinks I'm over exaggerating, as usual, and being a big ol' whiner. And, as always, she is wise beyond her years. Yes, that stuff is true. Our bodies try to change, and energy isn't as easy to come by. But there are other aspects of getting older that are pretty rad, and hearing her again is one of them. She is my voice and my fire, and I'm super grateful to her for waking up from her long nap. My thirties have been so busy. I became a mom, and a working mom at that. It's been constant motion, constant energy expenditure and sleep deprivation. Constant expectations to be met (often self imposed). I have really spent the last ten years giving every last drop of myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually, and not stopping to refill. Who has time to refill when you are running around like a chicken with your head cut off? That's just another task, another thing to do. You just keep going. Perpetual motion, don't stop. Don't stop to breath, to rest, to feel.

My boys are still young. I still work outside of the home. as well as inside of the home. Life is still extremely busy. But, she has reminded me of who I am. Not just a mom. Not just a wife. Not just an employee. Not just a friend or sister or daughter. I am a soul. A beautiful loving soul. Full of life and energy and fire. Full of creativity and wisdom. I'm a giver, and I'll continue to be a giver, but she has reminded me about what it is that I am meant to give. It's not my blood sweat and tears. It is not every ounce of physical energy I can muster. It's my light. It's encouragement and compassion. It's something inside that is special and unique to me. Something that only I can give.

So 40 is upon me, and I'm excited. I'm thrilled to get to be who I am. I'm happy that I get to take care of my people and get to take care of me. To share what I've learned, what I hope for and dream about. To inspire and lift up whoever I can. The next decade is the REAL deal. I am going to live it fully and truly. I'm jumping for joy! I hope you do the same because there is no time like now guys. Now is the time to live this life with intention.

Love ya

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