Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Boys in the Bubble

Right now, at this very moment, I am contemplating how to put my two boys inside of bubble. It would need to be be a big roomy bubble so they don't kill each other. They can maybe have a little separation in the middle. When I was little my sister and I shared a room, and I always used to put up various types of barriers to section of MY side from her side. I'm crafty, I could make the bubble cool...like a super neat high tech fort! I can feed them in there. They can get lots of exercise running around like hamsters in a ball and even do their homework. I think it will work!

The most recent news of the 8 year old little girl who was taken while riding her scooter in front of her apartment complex, killed and put right across the street in a dumpster has me plotting the bubble. I can't get her sweet little face out of my mind. I keep thinking about her last hour. How confused she must have been. How very very scared. How very badly she must have wanted her Mommy. I keep thinking of her parents. This isn't real to them. I wonder when it ever becomes real. I don't know how they are even breathing in and out, as I can only imagine the pain is breathtaking. My heart is broken for them and I am frickin' awestruck at how one second can change your entire existence. This of course isn't the first innocent child to be abducted. There are many young people missing right now, parents and families searching and praying. She also won't be the last. That is why I need the bubble.

It can not be my child's picture circulating the Internet in hopes of someone seeing him, finding him alive. It can not be my child who gets into a car with a "friend" of Mom and Dad's to never return. It can not be my kid who chats with someone online and goes to meet them to talk about Minecraft and is then flown away to some child trafficking compound. It can not be my boy found in the dumpster. It just CAN'T!

The last couple of years I have really been becoming more comfortable trusting the unknown and facing my fears (I am a recovering control freak). A couple of anniversaries ago the Hubs and I went zip lining because we were both afraid of heights. Facing fears is empowering and really puts things into perspective, When I feel scared by something or worried about an outcome, I've learned to release it. To trust that what is meant to happen will happen. "Every thing happens for a reason, we are meant to learn from it, we all die sometime" kind of thing ya know? I've reminded the kids on several occasions, that we are not guaranteed things in life. We have to be okay with uncertainty and have faith. But when it comes to the boys...WOW...that is so much more difficult. I don't want to let things "just happen", I want to control them! I want to control the environment around them. The people that they interact with. The things they see and hear. I want to put them in my impenetrable bubble.

I want them to experience things. In my soul, I hope and dream that they find themselves and do special things with their lives, using their unique gifts. I  know that those gifts are often found by going through the fire. I understand they will struggle sometimes. They will grow and growing can hurt. We don't get stronger or smarter, more compassionate, or more secure in ourselves by not living life, by avoiding potential danger and pain at every turn. I don't want to shelter them from growing, from being the amazing men they are meant to be. Damn it! If I put them in the bubble to protect them from harm and bad people, I also "protect them" from life. Shit shit shit!!

So here I go...taking a deeeeep breath. Refocusing my mind and my heart. Praying for faith and for wisdom. Coming back to living life now, not hiding from it. Acknowledging this world is not always a safe place for our kids. Bad things can happen to any one of us and pain is very real. But I refuse to leave my mind in fear and worry. I refuse to put my boys in a bubble (even though I still think I could make a super awesome one that would be da' bomb). I will cherish the fleeting moments we share in this life the best that I can. Yes, even the crappy ones when I feel like I want to tie one of them up and lock him in his room. I choose to live with faith. I choose to believe it's in His hands, and His hands is the best place for it to be. Tomorrow is unknown and is not promised. Still I will look forward to it with hope in my heart.

I guess I'll delete my "Bubble Planning" Pinterest board.

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