Monday, September 14, 2015

Somebody SMACK Me

It was Sunday. The day of rest and contemplation. Family day. Chillax, unwind, connect. Kay, that's not happening for me. Sunday is the tie up all the loose ends before the week starts again day. The last few loads of laundry, trip to the grocery store (or God forbid, Costco) for lunch goodies day. The, hope you are enjoying that spot on the coach watching the football games for 8 hours husband day.

In the morning, as usual, I got up and had my cup of coffee. Mulled around a little bit. Decided what I would do and in what order. Then set at it. First throwing in laundry and starting on the floors. The DAMN dark wood floors. My nemesis, big fat thorn in my side, dark walnut wood floors. Oh my ggaaawwd! Why did I ever think it was a good idea to put in dark wood floors? In my defense it was PRE kids and dogs when we installed them. They were polished and deep brown and beautiful. Now they are scratched, dull, and show every single itty bitty speck of everything. The sand box the kids bring home in their shoes everyday.The dog hair from my white haired dog that sheds like a... I don't know what! He sheds constantly. I have taken to vacuuming him with the hose extension on the vacuum. The crumbs and pieces of food the kids drop, the water spots from above referenced dog after he drinks from his water bowl and walks through the living room leaving a trail of water that evidently didn't make it all the way IN to his mouth. So I dry the water spots, sweep, then vacuum, then mop. It's a hot day. My sweet white dog (Zeke), goes to cool off in his favorite spot outside. His favorite spot is the big giant hole he dug under the trampoline. Before the floor is even dry the dog comes back in from his lounging to get more water. Trampling through the house, leaving dirty footprints every few inches for at least 8 feet. I almost cried. I did curse. And then I got angry and frustrated. I started to take it out on hubs who was relaxing on the couch in front of the fan watching the games (his favorite cool down spot).

I gave up on the floors, threw the laundry in the dryer, and headed to COSTCO, while the hubs watched football and the boys played video games. On the way I started thinking to myself..."are you really going to Costco now? On Sunday? In this mood? You know it will be packed. Everyone will be lollygagging, waiting for their food samples and trying to pull their kids out of the big bin of giant stuffed bears." I almost turned around, but decided it needed to be done. I could do this. After I parked the car I stopped, and sat there for a minute. I look at my bracelet reminding me to "be a light". I took several deep breaths. I decided this...I was not going to carry the floor frustrations into the store with me. I was not going to give everyone in my path the big gnarly stink eye, forcing them to move out of my way or pay! I was not going to share this negative energy. I was going to go in there, and smile at people. I was going to be patient as I waited for the family of five to get their cup of vitamin infused juice and little piece of bean burrito at the sample table. I was going to breath, and to take my time. I will not lie and say it was easy. There may have been a moment or two where I almost lost my shit. But I didn't! And I smiled. And I thanked people. And I remained focused on the energy I wanted to share.

The day went on much in the same way. I struggled to continually bring my focus back to joy, to gratitude, to slow down and find peace. I had to catch myself before I snapped at the dudes (little and big). Maybe it's hormones. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe it's just what it is. But some days are like that right? Some days are just a little more challenging, more trying on your patience. Some days it's more difficult to focus on the good stuff. A little later, after I decided I was over the floor issue...(whatever, it's not like I am really going to have a clean house for at least the next 10 years anyway), I laid down on the couch next to hubs and read a little bit of my book. I went outside with the boys and watched them do tricks in the trampoline. I reflected on the day of dirty floors and laundry and frustration and thought..."Good Lord, someone smack me." There are families in this world right now running for their lives, away from their homes, to who knows where, just looking for safety and shelter and a future. Their struggle is a struggle for LIFE, not clean floors and full cupboards! How very blessed am I to have a home and to be able to buy the things my family needs? To not have to wonder where our next meal will come from, if we'll have somewhere safe and warm to sleep. How lucky am I to be worried about dirty floors, when there are people that have no floors, or roofs over their heads at all?

I try to live intentionally. To focus on gratitude, on sharing my gifts, on truly living this life. The openness of our hearts and minds ebb and flow like the waves of the sea. It's work to keep open minds and soft hearts, it's not always easy. But the more you do it on purpose, the easier it gets. I guess kind of like running or any kind of physical conditioning. When you are just starting out, you think you are going to diiiee. It's so difficult and so much work. You are sweaty and tired and out of breath. But if you keep going at it, a little bit at a time, you are able to run longer and faster without breathing so hard or getting so tired. Some days you run like the wind, some days you chug along, but you keep going stronger and more able each time. I'm noticing the same thing with learning to live with gratitude, giving and joy as my focus. There are days when it's like coasting downhill on a bike, breeze blowing my hair back and a smile on my face. And, there are days when it's like climbing a steep hill on that bike, trying to not get off and walk it, but pushing hard to stay moving forward.

Thank you God for my dirty wood floors, for the food in my cabinets, for the dudes in my life. Thank you for the gifts that you put deep inside of me. Thank you for the little girl who speaks to me, who reminds me of who I am meant to be. Thank you for the sea and the sky and the beauty all around me.

I am a lucky girl indeed.

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