Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Who Are You Going to Let Drive Today?

The day I started this blog was a day of awakening. You can go back to my first few posts to see it unfolding for yourself. The little girl inside of me, my true self, was so done being pushed aside and ignored. She had enough and wasn't going to quit jumping and shouting until I took notice. It was like getting lit on fire from the inside. I was finally AWAKE and there was no denying it, no turning back, no more ignoring or patronizing. I was awake and I had a mission.

Almost a year later, and here I am. Still awake and on fire. Wanting to learn more, wanting to share more, wondering what I can do next. It was a long weekend, I worked a couple of nights in a row, and was pooped today. Hubs was home and hanging out with the boys, so I went to try to take a nap. I secured my soft sleep mask over my tired eyes, got under the covers, and took a few deep breaths. Ready to sleep some good deep, drooling on the pillow, snoring out loud, kind of sleep. It didn't happen. The creative energy inside of my body was pinging around like a pin ball machine, lighting up little parts of me as it moved through me from my head to my toes. I tried to breath through it, tell it I'd get to it later, but I know by now....when it's there it's there for a reason. You are meant to be acting, in motion whether with your body, or mind, or spirit. I took out my journal and jotted down the ideas that were begging to be heard. They weren't new ideas, they have been there a while, but are getting ready to be realized. Ideas that are ready to be realized are relentless. They are so full of excited energy and longing for their debut. They can't help but dance around singing and shouting. Although the sleep I was hoping for eluded me, I felt grateful, really grateful. Grateful that I am awake enough in my soul to feel these stirrings and inspirations.

Although I have always been this being, this soul, I went through a long time in life in which I lived in my head. Always thinking, analyzing, picking things apart and putting them back together in an attempt to make them better, more efficient, RIGHT. I, for the longest time, believed that is who I was and that those were my greatest qualities. The doer, the go getter, the make it all happen the way it needs to happen regardless of the feelings involved, matter of fact, uber organized.....machine. There wasn't a lot of time for creative living then. I was too busy. At the same time, I never doubted my depth. I've always known mine was an old and creative soul. A little complex, strong, and contradictory, but meant for things. Was my truest of true self just waiting for the big 4-0 to make herself known? I mean, she knew when I'd be ready. When I would accept her for who and what she really was, and harness her power. When I was strong enough to receive and share the gift of her.

It's an interesting place to be. Knowing suddenly who lives inside, underneath everything. I am still a doer. I still instinctively make a plan when there needs to be one, and put things in motion to bring it all to fruition. I still prefer to be organized and like my space to be tidy and aesthetically pleasing. But that's not what makes me who I am. My heart does <3. My heart's intense desire to reach you deep inside. My heart's need to share. My heart's hunger to bring light to the world, to draw attention to what really matters, to offer acceptance and encouragement. The prior version of me...the one that lived exclusively in her head, never would have recognized this version of herself. It's the whole ego versus soul thing. Are you living in your head or living in your heart? When you are living in your head, your ego is in charge. You are separate from the rest of the world. You are self focused. You find it easier to feel frustrated, judgmental, or resentful than you do to feel compassionate, accepting, or grateful. When your heart and soul are in the driver's seat, things like forgiveness, peace, and understanding come without much effort. Of course, when your ego is behind the wheel, it's hard to see it. It's almost like a shield, a veil. You might catch glimpses of the light, but they are fleeting, and you wonder if they are even real. But when the time comes, when the veil is lifted....WOW. That is when you start living intentionally, with feeling and purpose. With true concern for the well being of everyone, not just you and yours.

I still find ego trying to drive some days. Trying to push my heart and soul aside and go for a ride, coercing me to live in speculative thought instead of contemplative. Sometimes I even let it happen. God gave it all to us ya know. He blessed us minds and bodies and hearts and souls. He gave us free will to use them, for better or worse. To heal or to harm, ourselves and others. So many things can effect our decision on which way we live. The way we grew up, our past or current circumstances, our physical health, our financial situation, long held beliefs which may or may not serve us presently, on and on and on. So many.....excuses. But, we always get to wake up, and decide. Ego or Soul. Darkness or Light. Holding On or Letting Go.

Who are you going to let drive today?

With so much love <3 Trisha

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