Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Life is BIG, or is it?

Depending on the time of month....sometimes life can seem like such a BIG thing. Like "WOW, this is my one life. This is my one shot at being all that I can be, all that I am supposed to be!" Depending on the time of month...that can feel daunting. I'll catch thoughts trying to sneak by and settle in, things like "I've wasted so much time already. I missed the boat. I didn't make it count. I could've been, I should've gone, I wish I'd have ... it's too late"

It's taken me a while to know who I am.  I had to go through a lot of faux mes to get to the real one. I had to dig myself out from under all the costumes. That took some time, like my whole life so far.

Maybe I did it all wrong. Or maybe, that is the way a lot of us do it. And what is wrong anyway? We try stuff. We think we know who we are and what we want, what we are meant to be in this life. We think we know what our strengths and weaknesses are. Then if you are like me you realize "Oh shit, wait a second, that's not it at all! That isn't me. That is a very watered down and much too fortified version of who I am."

I thought I was better because I held a high standard for myself and everyone around me. I thought I was intelligent because I over thought everything and analyzed it all to death. I thought I was strong because I didn't let people in, barely ever shed a tear, and got angry instead of sad. I thought I was mature because I was responsible and worked hard, all work no play. I thought I was faithful because I prayed before bed and read the bible.

I ignored the girl inside. I pushed her behind me every chance I had. Her silly whimsical dreams, feelings and fantasies. Her idealistic views and visions.

Then it started to hurt. I was suffocating and didn't even know. Like a flower with a box around it. Not enough light, or air, or life. It's not like I walked around sad and deprived. I just walked around asleep I guess. Until one day, when the veil was lifted, and I could for the first time see.

Life is a big thing, yes. We are all put here with a purpose, yes. We have to learn lessons. We have to try on different masks, until we are ready to go naked faced. Feathery sparkly dreamy ones, and smooth cold metal ones, and bright and fuzzy fun ones. We have to live life, to be able to LIVE life. It's all part of it. All the years I spent asleep...part of it. The things I dreamed of but didn't accomplish (yet)...part of it. The shedding of previous versions of myself...part of it. The realizations made...part of it. The good and hard and fun and crappy....all part of it.

Embrace it for what it is. This life is our gift. Our gift from God. Our life, the way we live it, is our gift back. So make it count. Don't stress about how BIG it is. Don't regret the path. Just live with a grateful heart for all of it.