Sunday, July 10, 2016

Locked Up

There are parts of yourself that you keep stashed away, in the deepest corner of your closet, under lock and key. Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, they are there. No matter how many years go by. No matter how much you ignore them, push them aside, pretend that they don't exist, have never existed. There are parts of yourself that you don't want to know, or acknowledge. There are parts of yourself that you feel you can't possibly share with other people. If they only knew! What would they think of you? They would never look at you the same. There are parts of yourself that scare the shit out of you. There are parts that are tender, like a finger with a splinter. It's there, you feel it. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you can pretend it's going to heal on it's own. You aren't going to have to dig it out. You aren't going to have to get the tweezers and poke at it...removing some skin to expose it. You're just going to leave it alone, feel the pain when you bump it against something, then push it aside again. Ignore the discomfort. Ignore the infection. It will go away, on it's own, it will go away.

Do ya think it will? Do you really, truly think it will go away if you pay it no mind? Do you think if you ignore those parts of yourself that seem out of place, wrong somehow, that they will disappear all together? You can forget they ever made an appearance and you can go on, being normal.

This hiding, it starts young. We start stashing pieces of ourselves away as kids. We have an experience, something or someone tells us, this particular thing that we have going on, this particular piece to our puzzle is wrong. We aren't supposed to be that way. We aren't supposed to feel that way. We aren't supposed to dream those dreams. We aren't supposed to talk about that. So, we realize that that little piece needs to be hidden away. We wouldn't want to be weird, or different, or wrong. We wouldn't want people to think we were bad or weak or peculiar. So we take the little puzzle piece and start a pile in the deepest corner of our inner closet. The discard pile. The pieces that don't seem to fit.
But notice something.....we don't throw them away. Why don't we just toss the misfit? It doesn't seem to belong, why keep it?

We keep it because it is part of who we are. We know, deep down, somewhere, that we need that piece. That someday, we might find where that piece actually goes. If we throw the piece away what would happen? We would have a puzzle with holes, with integral pieces just missing, with noticable vacancies. One day, many years from the moment that we hide the piece, we may actually NEED it.

The time will come for all of us. The time when life forces us to put up or shut up. To show our cards. We are going to have to tip toe back to that far dark corner, and sift through our discard pile.

It's not easy. You put those things there for a reason right? They made you feel inadequate or ashamed. It's hard to look at it, to feel it again. You might question..."Why do I have to be this way?" "What is wrong with me?" You might scream to yourself or to God..."I didn't want this piece! I still don't want this piece!" Yet still here it is.

Oh my love, these pieces, in the discard pile, they are so important to who you are. That is why they are still there. Waiting for you to acknowledge them. To see them. To accept them, and yourself. To put them into the empty spots. To complete your puzzle. To make you, YOU, in all of your glory and splendor. They are really the most important pieces. The hard pieces. The ones that finally, after so much effort, put it all together. This is it. This is your power! This IS who you are, and who you are for a very important reason. Without those pieces you couldn't be who we need you to be, love. You would be incomplete and insincere. You would only be a fuzzy version of you. We want the magical, messy, true, strong, vulnerable, knowing, warrior version of you. We need the warrior version of you, so we can be the warrior version of us.

Through pain and discomfort, through fear and anxiety, through darkness comes the light. There is nothing, nothing, as bright and beautiful and mesmerizing as you are...empowered, unabashed, quirky, different and WHOLE.









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