Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Keep Digging

Huh. I remember sitting here looking at this blinking cursor a few years ago, and not thinking twice. Typing like my life depended on it. Not stopping to over analyze. Not second guessing my motive. Not worried about the reaction the post might elicit. Not censoring or  sugar coating. Just knowing. Knowing I was supposed to be writing, supposed to be sharing, and following my soul's very loud instructions.

I miss that. I want that again. I want the walls down. I want the heart open vastness that living in your true naked power brings. And there is the key word, naked.

I have to allow the complete disrobing of myself. I have to say "fuck it" and just be me. Just speak my truth as I know it. And not just to allow it to be seen...but to live in it. To feel it truly and live it.

As year follows year I realize how very cyclical nature is. Our outer world, more obviously, but  our inner world just as potently, if not more. We don't get to see those inner cycles as easily. We have to attune to them, to feel them and recognize them, which takes time. We can look outside and see it's time for leaves to fall. But learning how to look inside to find that same knowledge takes continual practice.

On the outside, I don't seem to be someone who seems to worry much about "being me". I don't really consider myself one to be overly concerned about how I appear to others, or how they perceive me. I'm not easily embarrassed, nor very modest. I don't filter my photos or try to be someone I am not. And yet, there is a part of me, that lives in terror.

She lives in complete fear of being hurt. Of not being heard. Of not being enough. Of being over powered. Of being made fun of. Of failing. Of hurting others. Of making mistakes. Of being too loud. Of being wrong. Of rocking the boat. Of opening herself up.

I'm in a season of excavation. I believe we all go through these seasons, or cycles (see above :), and I think that may happen more for me then some because of my Scorpio-ness. The constant shedding and transformation. I think a lot of us shove it aside. We feel the nudge and discomfort. We know it's time to dig in and clean stuff out. But we also know that it ain't gonna be pretty, or easy, or feel good, and so we shush it. "Shhhhh" we tell that part of ourselves trying to heal and grow. "Not now, I don't want to."

I've realized during this most recent archaeological dig, that as much as I have grown, as much as I have become more aware of my thought processes and the way my body and mind react to one another, more aware of my tendencies to put up walls and stow away, there is still so much more to uncover. Or shall I say, those same places have much deeper and darker caves to be explored. So many split second decisions made, with out my conscious awareness, based on the conditioning and pain of my childhood that affect my relationships, my sense of self worth, and my ability to communicate. This conditioning that has directed my path thus far, has been based on fear mostly.

None of us leave childhood behind unscathed. Most of us know we "have baggage", but figure it's better left behind us where it happened. Why rehash? Why open old wounds? But how many of us take a magnifying glass to those old wounds? Invite them to tell their story? Look at the way those old owies are still showing up in our lives, and therefore, if a parent, the lives of our children? I believe this is our responsibility. This is an endeavor we must gather courage for and to see through, no matter how difficult. When it's time, you'll know.

That's where I am, friends. Peering closely at those boo boos and trying to really learn from them. To really heal them. To really forgive myself for decisions that I have made based on them. Trying to stay soft and open when all of my survival instincts are screaming for me to armor up and shut it down.

Shared, as always, will so much love. xo