Wednesday, August 28, 2019

The Lesson

I've always thought myself a pretty willing student. I love learning, can even get a bit obsessive about it actually. I'm open to hearing new ideas and trying new ways of doing things. Okay, that one has come with age. I used to think it was my way or the highway, and that my way was always the right way. Ay yi yi. But see, that was just my way of controlling things. Being in charge. Like I was okay learning, but when it came to doing I took the reigns. I still find myself doing that sometimes. But now I try to see that for what it is and pull back when my leadership is not necessary. What I guess I'm trying to state here is....I haven't considered myself one of the "has to learn things the hard way" kind.

Yet, life keep presenting me with the same damn lesson, over and over and over again.

The last time this continual lesson popped up in it's newest reincarnation, I thought to myself, or actually to the Universe...." Haven't I learned this one well enough yet?! I've gotten SOOO much better at accepting uncertainty and relinquishing the gripping control. Do you have to keep beating a dead horse here?! What the actual fuck?!"

Because this time, as it often has before, it involved my kid. Because this time, God decided to kick it up a notch (in all her/his/it's wisdom and love) to remind me that.... no actually....I have not mastered this concept yet. That truly, this is a life long lesson for me. One I will get more proficient at each time I'm presented with the opportunity to practice, but one that won't stop being gifted to me throughout this life.

The acceptance lessons are tough. When they involve my kids, they take herculean effort on my part.

It is so ingrained in me to protect them, as it is most parents. I've realized in these last 5 or so years, that some of their life lessons too, will come with pain. That they too have soul lessons, life lessons, things that they are meant to endure. Situations that will help make them who they are meant to be. And I accept that, and I hate it.

This most recent "opportunity" for me, came in the form of my youngest having a seizure. In the middle of a hair cut. Falling down on the floor and seizing. He turned gray and stiff. His eyes rolled to the top of his head. Rigid arms, legs and head jerking. I thought he was dying in front of my eyes.

And 30 seconds later it was over. He was back. Scooped into my arms. Firemen on the scene. My oldest taking control like a boss, and me in this kind of calm-ish shock over what I just saw and what it might mean. I think it is the most afraid I have ever been.

I'm a delayed reactioner in the realest sense. This happened over two months ago, and I am just begging to realize how it affected me. I "deal with things" as they are happening. I take care of what needs to be done. I stay pretty calm and level headed, usually. But given a little bit of time, the fear, pain, confusion...they slowly sink in. I mean they have to. They need to be felt and acknowledged. It just happens on a later time line for me. Those feelings have some old armor to get around before they find their way in.

Scans were run, EEGs happened, all was clear. Which is a huge blessing, the same time, another way of making the uncertainty even more acute.

There is no explanation. There is no diagnosis. It could happen again. It might not. We just wait, and live, and see.

You've got to be kidding me right? No way of knowing why, or if it will happen again. My brain swirling with visions of him on the playground at school, having a seizure. Riding his bike down the street to a friend's, falling down having a seizure. In his room at night, having a seizure that I won't even see or know about. How am I supposed to do this? How can I let him out of my sight?!

I've told y'all before how vivid this chick's imagination can be. It's a blessing and yet....

I was sure my OCD and anxiety were going to have a flippin' field day with this. There was some compulsive googling, to be sure. There was definitely anxiety running through my veins and scrambling my thoughts, and still are at times. Like I said, definitely picture stories taking up space in my head. But nothing got out of hand. Nothing stuck in the glue for more than a day or two at a time. No real panic attacks. I've let him out of my sight. I do daily. Although the memory of the seizure still brings up such big fear in me, and in turn, prods on my deeply held desire for answers and control, I have accepted the fact that, I don't have those. I don't have answers, and I don't have, nor do I any longer want,control.

And I think of the parents who are enduring so much with their children. There is so much pain and sorrow happening right now. Be it due to physical or mental illness. Be it due to misunderstanding or other peoples' unwillingness to accept people who are unlike them. Be it due to death. Be is due to allllll of these things that our out of our control.

It is my lesson.

To accept uncertainty, plain and simple, with all of it's faces.

To accept that I truly do not have ultimate control. Not over life or death. Not over health or injury/sickness. Not over other peoples joy or pain.

That the desire and attempts at control are only pushing me backward on the path.

That when I see life through my spiritual eyes, my heart eyes, instead of the human eyes in my head, I know that my having control is unnecessary and pretty much a joke. That the desire for control  is based in fear. That real healing happens when fear is relinquished.

My lesson in this area began in my earliest childhood, and continues to this day. I understand finally, that this is the big one in this life for me. This is the piece de resistance. And no matter what opportunities it brings my way, I will meet them. I will embrace them. I will not push, or grip, or run like the sky is falling.

I embrace uncertainty and all that that means.

It is my lesson.

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