Wednesday, June 17, 2020


I was up last night with thoughts of this post bumping around in my head. I've not written here in a while. Writing is an interesting thing for me. I am not a disciplined writer. I don't sit down and write everyday to keep my tools sharp or to develop advantageous habits. For me writing has always been a space in between. A kind of alternate mental state, an almost meditative experience in the way that it enables me to turn off the analytical over thinking part of my brain and engage my heart. I am able to put the armor aside and open myself to the messages that need to come. I usually write when I feel the words bubbling out, uncontainable. This post is different. Although the thoughts and feelings that will be expressed are pure and unaltered, I find myself in a constant state of questioning "is this okay to say? Meaning, "will this come off as racist? Will this sound ignorant? Am I showcasing my white fragility by even writing this? Am I taking attention away from voices that need to be heard?"

I've decided, that life taught me long ago and continues to teach me at every corner, that I can not let fear shrink my world. I will inevitably say something here that is many, if not all, of the above. I'm going to write this post anyway. I'm going to speak from my heart. As I've always held to, this will resonate and speak to whoever it is meant to. It will offend or anger, whoever it offends or angers. Some might just think it's crap.

All of my thoughts and feelings are very jumbled. I know I am not the only one. The collective energy of this world is so heavy, so urgent, loud and over stimulating for many right now. The universe is done with our foolish, selfish, ignorance, and is no longer accepting our meaningless excuses. This is a time of reckoning. A time to wake up, or die in your sleep.

I watched the documentary on Bruce Lee,  Be Water,  with my husband and son the other day. Although the focus of the movie was not this, what struck me most, were the parts about the civil rights movement that was happening at the time. The speeches, and protests, and anger and pain and cries for equality. I realized that not much has changed since then. Those same cries and protests are happening right now. THE SAME ONES. I don't have to tell you that Black people and POC have been asking and fighting for hundreds of years in America, and little has changed. There may have been some mediocre semblance of change and advancement, to make white people believe we were treating black people "right", but it's an illusion. Real change never happened. Real equality never happened. Real opportunity was never granted. Real respect and care and humane treatment is still being pleaded for, and being withheld.

And along with the renewed and very necessary upheaval that is this battle for basic human rights and equality for Black Americans, we have a pandemic happening. Yes, it's still happening. And the same selfishness and lack of empathy is being highlighted. There is still that percentage of people who can't look outside of themselves. Outside of their own comfort, their own financial situations, their own hopes and dreams for the future. They refuse to be "duped". They will not "live in fear" and put their own lives in danger by breathing that accumulated CO2 behind their mask (insert ridiculously huge eye roll here). They have rights. They aren't responsible for their neighbor, or the other kid in the classroom. They aren't scared to get COVID-19 so whether or not they happen to spread it to people who may be high risk is irrelevant to them.

And here is the gist of what I wanted to say, that had me so concerned about seeming to trivialize the BLM movement, by combining it with other current issues, but here it goes...

All of this, every bit of this, has to do with our hearts. How we as human beings care for each other and our world, or don't. How we allow ourselves to make excuses for why "those people" are in the wrong and undeserving of everything that we ourselves are deserving of. Because they didn't follow our rules. They came over illegally. They are sinners. They just don't work hard enough. They love the wrong people. They are high risk and we aren't so why should we have to take precautions. If they would have followed our rules and allowed themselves to be placed nicely into our boxes lined with values and beliefs, they could have been eligible for the same salvation, same rights, same opportunities, same healthcare, same education, etc. Many times in the name of religion, or the societal rules of a political party, we allow ourselves to degrade, segregate, and push aside other human beings.

I do not believe this is what the creation of this world was meant for. I believe we are completely outside and upside down of where we are supposed to be. I know there are a lot of people who feel the same way, and are doing their best to make changes, become self aware, take responsibility for their part in this tragic self indulgent mess. I also realize there is still a huge percentage of humans who refuse self introspection, refuse to take responsibility, and use their corrupt religious dogma as a way to feel okay about the hate living in their hearts and the intolerance in their actions.

I have hope for our future, and yet, I am scared by all of the people who "just want everything to go back to how it was." How it was is not sustainable. How it was is unhealthy and hateful. How it will kill us all. I know it is uncomfortable to face yourself. To hold your beliefs and actions to the light and examine them. It hurts. It's scary. And it can (and should) create a lot of change in the way you live your life. Do it anyway.

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